The Race Track

 

Yea, No more shopping for Christmas

I miss the good old days, when I knew what I was shopping for. I asked my daughter in law what I should buy my son. She said he wanted an I Pod. What the hell is an I Pod. She directed me in the store to where they were. Only 78 dollars. It was the size of a fifty cent piece. Assuming anyone knows what a 50 cent piece looks like anymore. Debit card or credit card is all anyone uses.

Anyway you can download music to listen to on the I Pod when you are out running or walking. Nice; then someone can mug you because you have the fifty cent piece I Pod in your pocket and ear peices in your ears.

Well, I did not buy the I Pod but thought maybe I would give him a record of the Sons of the Pioneers singing Cool Water. Let him carry that around for a while.

Why did I get up this morning?

Why in the heck did I get up this morning? Traffic in downtown Phoenix was unbelievable. I thought I would never get to work or home. I was really hungry on the way home and I stopped at Taco Bell and got in the drive through and could not remember what the thing I wanted was called so I told them to forget it and I went to QT. The pop at QT went up to 96 cents I complained and a man who was also buying a drink tells me I should go to Guatemala that this is America and they can charge what they want. I decided to go to the drive through at Burger King and my window would not go down. I gave up and went home.

Dumbest thing I ever purchased

I saw this really nice gray sweater that would go with most everything so I thought I should get it since I did not have a sweater. I noticed it had two zippers, at the bottom. One went up to close the sweater and the other went up to open it if you wanted the bottom of the sweater opened a little. Looked kind of unnecessary, but I got it anyway. Well you just try zipping the damn thing up. You have to get both zippers just right or it won't even work. I get so mad trying to zip it that I am going to burn the damn thing,

Shop till you drop or someone kills you.

It is that time of the year where we all go shopping. NEVERagain. I went to one of the stores near my house and all I wanted was a rug I had seen the day before, it was the only one on the shelf, it even had a thread that was pulled out but it matched one I had at home and it was priced cheap. I picked up a couple of other small items and get in line, as I am waiting I notice there is no tag on the rug. I tell the cashier and she says I can't buy it. I said why, there is a sign with the price and it is the only one they have. She says I will show you. She switches off her light, there are five people behind me in line and she heads to the back of the store. I follow her. I show her where the rug was and she pulls one off the shelf that is not the same one but she says it is the same size and the price is twice as much as the sign had. I told her I did not want it. I beat her back to her cash register where everyone is gone but one man that is holding his baby and tossing his stuff back in the cart. I told him I did not know she was going to close the register, he just glared at me like it was my fault. She returns and rings my three items up takes my money and says nothing. All this over a rug. I get to my car and realize she forgot to give me one of my items. I head back into the store with my receipt, the minute she sees me she tosses the bag at me. I catch it and head out the door again. WHat the heck is going on. So much for Holiday Cheer. Oh yea, I will shop online from now on.

Good Morning Dear

Have you ever had one of those mornings where you wake up at 3 am and think someone is opening and closing the kitchen cupboard doors. You reach for the phone and can't remember the number for 911. I hate that. You realize you must have been dreaming, then you can't go back to sleep. You cover your head with the covers and just as you are falling asleep you have a hot flash and throw the covers off and your husband sleeps through the whole thing. Then you get cold and have to cover up again. Now you can go to sleep and the alarm on his phone goes off in the other room so you have to get up to go shut it off and of course he doesn't hear it. Being the good wife you get up in the dark and hit the edge of the night stand and it hurts so bad that you have to yell and swear and darn you wake him up.

Let the Darn Grass Die!

Don't you just love your kids. They go on vacation and let you the parent take care of their house and yard. The sprinkler system was not working so my son turned it off. I like the good mother I am told him I would drive over in the rush hour traffic before I go to work and water the lawn. I went in back and reached in to turn on the sprinkler and the knob came off, water shot all over me, I was getting sprayed in the face as I tried to shut it off. I ran out front and turned the system off. Now I am wet and it is only seven in the morning, I have to go to work and I am not happy. So next time the kids go out of town the Darn Grass can DIE for all I care.

Neighbors

We got new neighbors about ten years ago. First thing my boys came in and said the new neighbor told them to not drive across his yard to park their car. His yard was just rock and it was the only way we could get to the side of our yard. They said he was from Iowa. Okay fine I will let it go this time. Then around Christmas I went out to put up our lights and my husband had let the neighbor from Iowa use our ladder. The man from Iowa was on his roof so I walked over and took our ladder yelling up to him that I needed it leaving him on his roof.Oh well not my problem. My husband took the ladder back and got the Man from Iowa off his roof. This was just the beginning. He was a pool man and was always fishing golf balls from the pools. Golf balls started showing up in my yard everytime I went out. I went to the store and bought ten bags of plastic golf balls. I waited till they were gone and I threw them all over his yard. It looked like it had snowed in Phoenix but only in his yard. That night the man from Iowa and his wife showed up at my door waving a white flag with a bag full of the balls I had put in their yard. I think I won this one.

The Window Cleaner

There are some great parents out there. We protect our kids from stranger danger, the mad dog next door, catching someone elses cold. But last night I heard the best one yet. A mother has a wonderful child that cleans her windows for her, boy my kids just broke our windows. One day while reading the label she discovered that maybe the ingredients would harm her child. So being the good mother she is she went right out and found an all natural cleaner which only cost her $8.00 for a little tiny bottle that would probably last one cleaning. Nothing mattered but that her child be safe cleaning windows. Good for her, I myself use three tablespoons of isopropyl alcohol to a pint of water that cleans windows great and costs me a couple of dollars a year. But then I am probably not the greatest mother in the world. Oh Well.

The Yard Sale in the Sky

They say when you die heaven will be 100 times better then anything on earth. Just how big is the yard sale in the sky. Will it have salt and pepper shakers from the 1500's , will everything have to be new? If not, before I die let me go to one more yard sale and buy one more thing for 25 cents. Let me sort through someones stuff and let me look at a crushed bottle framed in a picture frame. The fruit jars full of stuff that meant something to someone.The tools from ones craft and then there are the stolen tools from someones stupidity.

Don't let me be just someones' estate sale. Walk through and know that there was love here and laughter. Let me find something I lost 20 years ago. And please take down the signs when the day is gone because next week when someone is looking for a sale and they drive around your block twenty times looking for the sale, wasting gas you will ruin their day.

The Day of the Alarm

I long for the days when we could leave the doors unlocked and if someone wondered in during the night it was probably the neighbor who had one to many and went in the wrong door.

We kept a baseball bat by the bed just incase the person wondering in really might hurt us. We never had to use the bat.

I took care of my sons' house while they were out of town and they put in an alarm system since the neighbors house was broken into. So being the good mother I am I went over to check on the house. Upon entering the house the alarm started beeping. I could not find my glasses and started getting nervious that I could not turn it off before the police arrived. I got it off but could still hear a beeping sound. After running around the house from room to room I found it was their alarm clock that was going off. Ok, I thought I am in, I did it. I was kind of proud of myself untill I went to leave. I pushed the first button. The alarm told me the motion sensor was on. I pushed the second button. The alarm told me the doors were armed. Oh no how do I get out. I remembered he said the windows had not been done yet. Good. I opened the window and jumped out the window, fell on my rear on a rock but that was ok I got out and did not set off the alarm.

I was so proud of myself I called my son thinking he would be proud of me for jumping out the window at my age. I am pushing 60 real hard. Mom he says you have 60 seconds to go out the door.

Well gee son thanks for telling me.

Middle School Blues

Some of the greatest challenges in my life have been when my sons reached the seventh grade. Somewhere between Kindergarten and seventh grade there comes out of these little bodies a new person. This person isn't always someone that you like, this new person doesn't believe you know anything. He believes that you should spend half of your life at the school on his behalf talking to the vice-principal.

When you have four sons that go through the same school, everyone remembers you. They see you on the street and they point at you and laugh. I know now that I would have my sons attend different schools then no one would know who I was.

I don't know about other vice-principals but my sons principal always started our meetings in a positive manner. He would tell me what wonderful sons I had, what fine young men they were and I always asked, then why am I here if I have such wonderful sons. Where are these wonderful sons? "Mrs. Cameron, your son was kicked out of class for drawing a picture." "Drawing a picture!" I could not believe it, this horrible child of mine could not have done such a thing. "Was it his Art Class?" I asked. "No, Mrs. Cameron it was not!"

At this point I started to get nervous, my son had done this awful thing, could he have drawn a bad picture, maybe a picture of someone with out their clothes on.

The principal stared at me as he pushed the picture face down across the desk, my hands began to shake as I reached out and slowly turned the picture over., Oh, my gosh, children were bringing guns and knives to school, drinking alcohol, getting high on drugs and I was sitting in the principlals office looking across at a man who was totally upset that my son had drawn a picture of Goofy in class.

Granted there were times I did belong in the Principals office but this was not on of them. I decided either he did not like my son or he liked me.

Family Record Holder

Have you ever held the family record for the most F's on a report card in a year? Try to explain to the record holder in the family that an education is important. It is not always wise to use yourself as an example.

My oldest son held the record in our family and I told him how I had been 25 in my graduating class. Since his class was five hundred he was quite impressed. Till Grandma came over. She let the cat out of the bag.

"Sure she was 25th in her class, there were only 25 in her class or she would have been 26th." Her Uncle was the president of the school board and she had to baby-sit for weeks or he would not sign her diploma."

Thanks Grandma. As if that was not enough she also told the kids that the school was afraid I would go back the next year and so they let me graduate.

Now her facts were not exactly right but close enough to not help me much. So I had to invoke the I am the parent and you are the kid and you will do better because I have the power to make your life miserable rule.

Works everytime. Besides that they did not have an Uncle on the School Board.

Words of the Mother

I have four sons. One of them would say Words' of the Mother whenever I got into my mother mode and tried to give them advice. I gave them the old wear clean underware incase you spend the night with one of your friends and your friend tells their mother that your mother does not do the laundry. Or however that saying went.

I tried my best. If you are a mother you know what I am talking about. We clean and cook and help with homework. My sons did not like to read so I read novels so I could tell them what the book was about so they could do their book reports. I think that is going beyond the call of motherhood.

I changed bike tires and showed them how to change the oil in the car. I sat up one night when they had a spare key made for my car and took the car out in the middle of the night. I sat up till three am to yell at them.

I spent three hours sitting in an eighth grade class because my son had a hard time keeping quiet. That was one of my most fun days. He did not seem to enjoy it as much as I did.

I don't know about you but I think I an an alright mother. What about you? I bet you are a great mother too.

The Mouse In the House

The night a mouse took up residence in my sons' bedroom we were awakened at one A.M. to banging on our bedroom door, our son declaring he would never sleep in his room again.

Ater calming down my angry husband who gets up at four a.m. to go to work, I venture out to check my sons' story that there is a mouse in his bed. This can be terrifying to a seventeen year old after all we have never had a mouse in the house before.

Just what the heck has our killer cat been doing? Todays' generation of kids just don't like to work and now this loss of interest in work has filtered down to our cat. What is this world coming to?

Finding my seventeen and sixteen year old and a friend all standing in the hall I decide maybe the three of them can handle this. "I am going back to bed." "What will we do?" "Put the cat in there and let it kill the mouse." "That is sick." "cool." Well at least one of them think my idea is cool.

I tried to go back to sleep as I listened to whispering and the swat of the broom hitting the floor and walls. This is one problem I know three teens can take care of. The mouse is probably well fed in their room. Maybe it is time to clean the teen pit.

The alarm went off wakening me to thoughts of the mouse escapade. I got up to see if they found it. Looking in the open door of their room I find no teenagers, just a pile of furniture in the middle of the room. It is really strange that a mouse moved in when we have a perfictly good cat. Something appears wrong here.

I find the three mouse hunters sleeping on the floor in the living room. I guess they figured a mouse wouldn't run out and across them if they slept in another room.

Getting into my Pet Detective mode I start sorting out information in my head. It started to make sense. Last night had been Halloween Night and my eighteen year old son didn't even come out of his room during all the commotion.

Looking in my eighteen year olds room I see him sleeping peacefully. There is an empty shoebox on the floor next to his bed and our cat is curled up next to him. I believe the mystery is solved. Ace Venture move over.

Driving Mrs. Cameron

Here I sit in the backseat of my car as my husband drives and my sixteen year old rides shotgun, shotgun, the term kids yell as they tear up the passenger side of the car trying to be the one to ride in the front seat.

I always swore I would never be one of those graying mothers that would give up and ride in the back seat. We were a dying breed; us front seat riding, driving mothers. I did my best but here I was, graying hear, the start of wrinkles around the eyes, sitting in the back seat. This was the first step of many steps leading to the resthome and to the local graveyard. There is no way I am giving up yet, I feel pretty good, my pulse is still strong and I haven't forgotten my name and address lately. I will just sit quietly and if I get a chance I will crawl over the seat and sit between them. They will probably never notice.

As we rode along, I listened to the hum of the engine and began to doze off having visions of me behind the wheel, pushing in the clutch, holding on to the little smooth knob shifting gears. I was brought back to reality by the grinding of the gears.

Sometime during my daydreaming my sixteen-year-old had gained control of my car. My eyes widened as I saw my son making my car do things that no car was meant to do, turning corners just close enough to leave black marks on the curb. He gave new meaning to stopping on a dime and proved you can get across the intersection on a red light and not get killed. My son zipped in and out of traffic laughing at the people that were sticking their arms out of the windows waving at him with on finger extended up, must be some special wave. On to the freeway, as we speed along, I realize he thinks freeway means you are free to drive any way you want.

The flashing lights and sound of the siren bring a smile to my lips. Now it is my sons turn for his eyes to get wide and full of fear. I begin to laugh as the policeman writes one ticket after another. The kind policeman suggests that my son ride in the backseat and that I drive. I join my husband in the front seat. He is looking straight ahead, as he knows he is the one that let the road hazard drive my car. I start the car, the steering wheel is damp from the sweat on my sons' hands, I look in the rear view mirror at my unhappy sons' face and think "There but for the man in blue go I!"

The Mohawk

I jumped out of bed, headed down the hall and the first thing I see coming at me is a Mohawk on the top of the head that use to be my sons. I said, "Son?" It said. "Mom." Yes, it was him, I am the Mohawks' Mother.

All the pain I suffered giving birth to this child came rushing back, they tell you, you forget, but I remember the pain!!

The Mohawk makes a sound and I know I have to hit this kid. I realize he is fourteen years old, he is taller then me but he is not as mad as I am. I slowly come to my senses, with my hand still in mid-air I look at the Mohawk and I think, it is only hair, it will grow, he will grow. I don't have to be seen with him, I have lots of sons, if people come over they will not know he is mine. They will think he is a friend and what wonderful people we are to have befriended this Mohawk that no one else would let in.

Yes David Cameron you did this to your Mother.

The Face

"Mom, come quick, there's a face on the carpet."

"Okay, I'm coming." I get down on my hands and knees and stare at the spot my son is pointing at. Sure enough, there is a face on the carpet. Not only is there a face but a perfect little round head that obviously should have a body attached. Upon realizing the face is the face of his brothers' hamster he begins to cry.

"Don't cry Matt."

"Where is the rest of him, Mom?" "How can he run in his ball now?"

"I am sorry son, but his running days are over. I am sure he is in hamster heaven."

"How can he be, his head is on the carpet!" "You can't go to heaven without your head, where is the rest of him?"

As a result of Matt's crying, Craig Jr., Dave and Rob join us on the floor. Realizing their hamster is no longer with us (most of him anyway) they all begin to cry and demand an explanation. Our cat walks slowly to the center of our circle and with one quick swipe sends the head rolling across the carpet to the wall.

The boys start screaming and running in all directions. The screaming sends the cat to a quick exit out the backdoor.

Retrieving the head I place it in a small box. "I am sorry boys but the hamster must have got out of his cage and the cat was trying to put him back and hurt him." "But where is the rest of him?" "Okay" I quess they have to know the truth. "Cats eat mice and hamsters for food if they can't get to the store for cat food and that is a mouse and hamsters job, to be eaten by cats and they probably don't mind." "Maybe they do but these things happen and I am sure the kitty is sorry."

As they sit quietly thinking about my explanation, I give thanks that cats can't smile. Satisfied with my explanation the four of them take the box and file out the backdoor one by one to give the head a proper burial.

Rain in Phoenix

I wonder if it is my fault that Phoenix has not had any rain. When I was a little girl I lived with my Grandmother and I would ride a red trike around the yard.

When a rattle snake would cross the yard I would ride real fast and run over them. It would make the coolest rattling noise, but Grandma would come running out with a hoe and cut their heads off. I did not understand because I got yelled at for riding over them and grandma cut their heads off and that was okay.

She would take the snake and hang it on the fence. She told me to not touch them and it would bring rain. I knew how important rain was to the farmers so I would never touch them.

I am kind of old and to big to ride a trike but maybe I can find a rattlesnake to hang on the fence and we just might get some rain.

Haircut Anyone?

Getting a haircut these days makes me long for the days when everyone wore long hair and you just had the split ends trimmed off every now and then.

No Appointment needed has always been one of my favorites as when I want to get my haircut, I want it done right then and there. No appointment has become at least a day and a half wait. It seems like the world is like me and doesn't want to make appointments.

I always get the girl fresh out of beauty school; I think they may have throw away haircutters since I never get the same one twice. I always get the one that wasn't at the top of the class. You know the one that always sticks you in the head with the scissors and pretends she doesn't notice the red tips. She sprays a cloud of hairspray around your head which settles on your eye lashes and in your eyes. I think they do this so you can't see your haircut till you get home., assuming that you get home with your blurred vision.

They of course guarantee the haircut so if you end up with more hair on one side then the other and a part that you don't remember having, you can return. You will then surely get the lady that hates her job and scares you every time she tells you to put your head down. She makes you feel like she may stick your head in a guillotine. Because of this fear this hairdresser instills in you, no matter how bad your hair looks you will not say a word about it.

I have decided the good haircutters must work at the shops that you have to make appointments. As luck would have it, they advertise walk-ins welcome. Sure you just go ahead and walk in on a busy Saturday morning and you will feel about as welcome as a cat in a tuna factory.

Happy Birthday

Yes, my birthday is coming up. the day after Valentine's day. I have had so many birthday's now that who cares. The only two birthday parties I ever had were not the greatest.

I was in fourth or fifth grade and my Mom decided to have a party for me. She invited my friends from school. I had a real cake and everything. It was great, till the next day at school , I got called to the office and a policeman was there. He informed me that I had to return all my gifts because my friends had gone shop lifting for them. I was so mad at my friends. I walked home on one side of the street with my friend Pat on the other side crying and saying if she went to jail I would have to go too since I had the stuff they stold. Well, none of us went to jail and I Contrary Mary never wanted another party.

As luck would have it some friends of mine decided to have a surprise party for me when I grew up. And guess what, I got in a fight with my husband on my birthday and went off for the evening and missed the party.

Birthday Parties are not all that they are cracked up to be and look at me I did ok not having my birthday be a big deal.

The Kite

Yea, it is me, Contrary Mary. My son is taking his little girl to fiy her kite. Must be nice. When I was growing up on the farm, my moms' friend told my brother, my cousin and me that he was going to bring us a kite. I was so excited, I waited and waited. I had never had a kite. When he drove up in his truck I ran and got my kite first and tore the paper off it. I was left with two sticks in my hand, what the heck was this? Well as my luck would have it I got to watch Ed and my cousin fly their kites while I held my two sticks.

The Arizona Dung Law

Baby Boomer Retirement

KC my dog

Do I have a pet. Of course I do. My sons grew up got married, had children and forgot their dog who has lived far longer then a dog should. Don't get me wrong. I like pets but after years of kids and pets I have gotten to old to take care of them. I tried walking the dog but he is so big he took me for a drag around the block. He barks so loud that I probably will have a heart attack one of these days. He runs around the pool and because no one bothered to have him neutered he has a couple of big things hanging down from him and my grandkids keep asking me what that is? I tell them to ask their fathers. I suppose I will servive KC but if I had to do it over I would have not let them get married unless they took the dog.

Baby Boomer

I was out and about when I realized there are so many people with gray hair that I no longer feel like a minority. We the Baby Boomers are eveywhere. We are so cool!! We have lived and seen so much.

Remember when:

A disc: was found in your back not in the desk drawer.

That's Bad: was bad as in bad not bad as in good.

Hit the dirt: was something you never wanted to do in golf, now it is something you do to avoid getting hit by stray bullets.

A Hood: belonged on a car not in a car.

Your mama: was a name you liked to hear.

Making a statement: was something you said not an excuse to not take a bath.

Windows: was something you looked out of not something you needed to learn to hold down a job.

Car Jacking: involved lifting up a car with a jack to fix a tire, not you being lifted out of your car with a gun.

Baseball caps: were used to shade your eyes from the sun not to identify what gang you belonged to.

I surrender: meant falling in love not heading to jail.

Drive by: was to pay a visit to a friend not to pay a visit to an enemy.

A rod: was something you fished with not a car or a gun.

Out to dinner

Our kids think we don't get out enough. So they give us gift certificates to restaurants. After holding on to one for Houstons in Scottsdale for a year we decided to go.

Plan on at least three and one half hours. Hey this is a lot of time for a construction worker from Pocatello Idaho and a toilet bowl cleaner from Blanca Colo. population 300.

We parked my Five year old Chevy next to a new BMW I always park by nice cars because I know they won't ding my car with their doors.

We go in and give our name and are told the wait is one hour and twenty minutes. This is new for us since our idea of a meal is the drive thru at In and Out and eat at home.

I start talking to a lady from Philly. She says the weather is like New York. Like I have ever been to either place. A lady comes in with a set of twins. They are dressed alike they are the same height and have the same face and of course my husband asks if they are twins. She said no, one is the neighbors kid. My husband is amazed. Brother!

As we are being taken to our table my Husband is amazed that they knew who we were and didn't even give us a buzzer or yell our name at the top of their lungs.

As we look at the ticket and there is a description of him, Coke a cola hat, beard, kind of ugly. I added the kind of ugly.

We look at the menu that we were handed after they made my husband take off his hat. No prices, well that scares me right away. Now honey I tell my husband, do not order anything extra it could cost us more then we have.

We lose our waitress since they are all in black, skinny, and hair pulled up. We order the ribs which are suppose to be to die for good.

We get our meal, the waitress asks how everything is, I haven't a clue since I have not had a chance to take a bite. I told her I would let her know after I quit talking. I never saw her again.And one of the neatest things is that I picked up my fork and used it and it did not even bend like the ones I have at home. Three and a half hours later, $60 broker we head for home

The ribs were to die for good!!

Thanks kids.

Church

Mom thought going to church might help me become more like the other Mary, you know the one that was not so Contrary.

We went to the church my Grandfather liked to go to. We always had to sit in the same pew. Unfortunely for me, in the pew in front of us was a little girl with long braids that hung down the back of the bench. As hard as I tried I did not like this little girl. Every Sunday something would come over me and I would grab her braids and fall to the floor.She would let out a scream and the next thing I knew I was headed for the church doors pulled by my Mother so fast my feet did not touch the floor .

I thought part of going to church was to go to the car in the parking lot for a spanking.

Out of frustration Mom decided to take us to the church my Grandma went to. My first Sunday, I was sitting quietly when a man passed me a plate of money. I grabbed two hands full of money and I knew I liked this church already, till Mom started slapping my hands trying to make me drop the money. I hung on for dear life screaming how he had given me the money.

And wouldn't you know it, out the door I went with my feet not touching the ground to the car in the parking lot for my sabbath day spanking.